Leporiphobia
by barrel7
Summary: After the "incident" Sonic and co. are tried and given an unusual sentence. What follows is mind-bending, furniture breaking, chocolate eating madness. And at the end of it all...death.
1. The Incident

A short story in the spirit of Halloween. It's connection to the season isn't that implicit at the beginning but, well, you'll see. Should only be five chapters and I mean to have the last one done by the thirty first. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic the Hedgehog characters. I will however claim the world they're currently in because Sega _does not_ want it.

Chapter 1: "The Incident"

The judge looked down on the motley group before him in irritation. His fingers drummed a steady beat across the podium and every so often he shook his head as if trying to clear it.

Insanity had invaded his life. If there was anyone left who still remembered what normalcy was, he had yet to make the pleasure of their acquaintance. The last week had been one crazy phenomenon after another. And before him were the reasons behind it all.

He sighed.

"This court is now in session. We will begin by-,"

"Don't we get a lawyer?"

The judge arched an eyebrow ponderously and looked down his nose at the bat that had made the outburst. He should have expected it. She probably knew this routine by heart, although how she managed to think clearly while hanging upside down with her feet stuck in a twisting column of chocolate was beyond him.

He sighed.

"Alright let's cut to the chase. This is anything but a formal trial. At the moment all the lawyers in the world are devoting their effort into clearing up that insurance claim posed by an alien nation that says we're renting "space". We can't get a proper jury since most people are exempt on account of having carpets devouring their children, pets, and internal organs. We don't even have a bailiff ever since those rouge Hoygytoygies decided they love police hats and donuts. Why I was able to come here in all this madness is a mystery unto itself."

It was chilling how rational it sounded when compared with what else had happened. Alien lawsuits, rabid carpets, and obsessive little beasts were only a small pitiful fraction of the world's worries.

"In any case," he continued, "the "incident" and everything that followed was the fault of each and every one of you."

That earned him some glares, even from the more peaceful individuals of the group. The judge knew that even if they had initiated the whole catastrophe, the odds were that none of them had ever meant for it to have such…strange consequences. Logic told him that they really weren't to blame for _everything, _but he really couldn't bring himself to care about something as pitiful as logic.

"It was all Sonic's fault. He started it," said the red…something. The judge wasn't entirely sure what he was. He just looked like a hedgehog with droopy quills to him. One feature that stuck out, however, was that he had his hands were stuck in a couple of cement blocks.

The aforementioned blue hedgehog probably would have started an argument but his mouth was currently sealed shut with some sort of alien duct tape. The hedgehog had to settle for just glaring at the red something-or-other.

"Anyway, since the Interstellar Interdimensional Code of Courtly Conduct has prohibited you from trying to fix things any further, the government (or what's left of it) has decided that you might as well face some sort of punishment for your crime."

"And what exactly is our crime," came the irritable reply of another hedgehog, this one black with some red here and there, another one that probably knew more than he should about dealing with the law. The judge couldn't help but feel bad for him though. It probably wasn't comfortable to have three (yes three) broken arms.

"Damned if I know. I'm sure smuggling, inciting a riot, lude conduct, war mongering, embezzlement, and overall public annoyance would be there somewhere."

They all seemed offended by the list, but it was the youngest that spoke up.

"That's hardly fair. Most of what happened didn't have anything to do with us," the little fox said. The judge wasn't sure what was strangest about him: that he had two tails or the fact he was puffed up like a cotton ball and was covered in socks.

"I'd say something like life's not fair but, according to those scientists that got the brain transplants, some mathematical mumbo jumbo proves that life _is_ fair. Whatever the case the world needs someone to blame and you seven are the most readily available."

"We'd still be unavailable if Omega hadn't flambéed the rook," said another indecipherable. The judge thought it was that hedgehog girl, Abel or Sammy or something, but he wasn't sure on account of the hazmat suit.

"Processing," said the most intimidating of the gathered odd balls. The large robot had all the accoutrements of a fierce killing machine although the effect was somewhat mitigated by a paint scheme featuring flowers and butterflies in all manners of feminine shades. "Satisfactory rebuttal acquired. Incineration of rook: necessary. Cause: pink creature's embarrassing crocodile episode."

There were a few quiet chuckles among them and the hazmat suit seemed to be steaming.

"If you're done, I'd like to get this over with. Most of the prisons are no longer connected to solid ground and personally I doubt we could keep any of you detained for long."

The judge cast a glance at the hedgehog, Sonic, remembering the Prison Island escapade. The latter tried to smirk but could only pull off a deranged crinkling due to the tape.

"Community service is out of the question, since the majority of the community is engulfed in a madness you seven aren't allowed to participate in. No one could really think of anything so the big wigs decided to just have you all take an insanity plea and go through mandatory therapy."

There was a silence as this sunk in and then a chorus of voices shouted at once.

"What do you mean insane!"

"Who decided that?"

"After all we've done."

"Muff na muff nuff muff na."

"Quiet" the judge said simply. His voice was quiet but it had the authority of someone who'd gone through a giant rampaging poodle/corn monster's digestive system and lived. The room slowly fell back into silence.

"Frankly, you have no choice. All the government has to do is give up their Exemplary Exemption and you all are quite literally fish food. The doctor in charge of your treatment will be here momentarily, so if you'll excuse me I'd like to go home… if I can find it."

The judge sighed as he left the room. He was getting too old for all this, despite being only twenty-nine. As he began his odyssey for his runaway townhouse, he wondered if he should have mentioned that the doctor they had been assigned had his license revoked for unethical experiments. He'd volunteered for this job and (short-handed as they were) been hired. He was a madman and a quack and would most likely get them killed and/or psychologically broken.

The judge shrugged. They'd figure it out.

* * *

"Well, what do we do now?" Amy asked, her voice echoing oddly from within the hazmat suit.

"Not much to do. One false step and that's it." Rouge did the throat slitting motion. Somewhat appropriate considering she herself was in a sense "hanged".

"I still don't see why we have to listen to that stupid interstate-dementia-code-whatever-it-is," Knuckles muttered.

Tails sighed. He must have explained it a hundred times and not only to Knuckles. It seemed he was the only one who'd gotten the hang of the rules of the conflict.

"We can't go against the Code or everything we know will be torn asunder, time and space will converge, and white blocks will replace everything and nothing."

As always, Tails was met with blank looks all around.

"Do you want me to explain it all _again_?"

Unanimous head shaking ensued.

"Then let's just say we can't and that bad things will happen if we do."

"Muff muff nuff muff na nuff nuff nuff muff muff nan a muff nuff muff na muff na muff na muff. Nuff." Sonic had suddenly become very excited and started jumping up and down spouting mumbled gibberish.

"Nope that won't work," Tails answered, somehow able to understand what the semi-mute hedgehog was saying.

"Muff na?"

"Besides it being nearly impossible, the Worse-than-thou is still in elevator canyon."

Sonic snapped his fingers and put a hand to his sealed mouth as if to think up a solution to this problem but whatever crazy idea he could have come up with was interrupted by the doors banging open.

In walked a little man in a tangerine colored lab coat with cloudy glasses that took up his entire face. Behind him was a lanky fellow with a stack of papers and a seemingly permanent look of confused nervousness.

The little man cleared his throat dramatically and stuck his nose in the air.

"I am Doctor Rutabaga. Illustrious man of revolutionary science and a delver into the unconscious psyche. This is Bill."

"Um, hi," said the lanky fellow.

So called Doctor Rutabaga shuffled to the front of the courtroom, his feet sliding back and forth without ever leaving the ground. Bill followed with a more normal gait. The assembled anthros made no comment. They'd seen stranger sights in the past week.

"Now, ahem, it has come to my attention that you are all mentally disturbed to a severe degree. I, in my abundant generous wisdom, have offered to enlist my incredible intellect to the purpose of your recovery. No need to thank me your willing contribution to my on-going research is thanks enough."

Unsettled glances were exchanged across the room. This didn't sound good.

"Bill!"

"Ouch. Yes."

"Please pass out the initial exploratory diagnosis." As Bill shuffled through his stack the Doctor continued. "Based on information provided to me I have been able to discern the roots of your multitude of self-degrading behavior."

Bill gulped. He wasn't sure how smart it was to say something like that to creatures that could very easily shred, smash, shoot, maul, and basically destroy them. He was relieved when they took the envelopes without trouble.

"Report to the enclosed address at the designated time. You each will have a member of my staff to personally interview you. I will oversee the results. Too-de-loo."

Doctor Rutabaga skipped out the door with Bill close on his heels. As for Sonic and company, they looked at their envelopes as if the little white slips would rear up and bite them. Each waited for another to open theirs.

"Fine. If no one else will," Rouge said before quickly tearing off the flap and extracting the official looking document inside. It took her a moment to find what she was looking for but when she did she rolled her eyes.

"Kleptomania. Why am I not surprised."

Shadow and Omega were next though neither said their diagnosis out loud, although Shadow cocked a brow as if perplexed.

"Obsession?" Amy said, genuinely surprised.

"Well at least some of these make sense," Knuckles said, trying and failing to open his envelope with his teeth.

"What is that supposed to mean," said the threatening hazmat suit.

Knuckles would have replied but was cut off by a strangled yelp from Tails. All eyes turned to the fox who had a look of pure shock on his face.

"What is it?" Amy asked.

Tails shook his head.

"Nothing," he said, crumpling up the paper and letting it fall into his fur where it promptly disappeared. "Here let me get that."

Tails took Knuckles envelope before the echidna could protest and opened it.

"Uh-oh."

"What's uh-oh," Knuckles practically growled.

"Um, well…" Against his better judgment Tails showed him the document. Knuckles read quickly and got progressively more and more enraged.

"ANGER MANAGEMENT! WHY DO I NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT?"

"…Do I need to answer that?"

The echidna yelled and grumbled and growled for a while but soon defused into a seething pout.

The last one was Sonic who had stared at his envelope the entire time.

"Scared faker?" Shadow asked with a smirk. The other hedgehog glared at him then quickly ripped the thing open.

His eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets.

"MUFF NA MUFF NA? MUFF NA NA MUFF MUFF NA MUFF NA? MUFF NUFF NUFF NA NUFF NA MUFF MUFF NUFF NA NUFF MUFF-,"

And the non-understandable onslaught continued as the others looked to Tails for a translation.

"Um, I'm not allowed to repeat most of that but, well," Tails face got red, "It sounds like he got anorexia, but I hope I just heard wrong."

The reactions were varied. Rouge started laughing hysterically, Shadow and Knuckles looked confused, and Amy and Omega were impassive.

"What's that?" Knuckles asked.

"Uh-,"

"MUFF! MUFF NA NUFF MUFF MUFF NUFF!"

Sonic took hold of Tails' arm and started pulling him toward the door.

"Apparently we're going to go find an adhesive solvent," the fox said, while he tripped after his hero.

"Wait for me!" Amy ran after them, never one to be left behind.

Knuckles rolled his eyes and went after them slowly, dragging his cement blocks as best he could.

"So what did you two get?" Rouge asked now that they were alone.

Shadow showed her his document, the only mark on it being a giant question mark. Rouge blinked.

"Well that's…weird. How about you big guy?"

Omega hands her the paper, but Rouge just looks at it, unable to decipher the unfamiliar word.

"What do you have?"

"…Rabbit phobia."

Neither of the two laughed at the robot. The information was too outlandish to garner any response. At last Shadow shook his head and took a hold of the little red wagon's handle that Rouge's chocolaty confinement was propped in.

"Let's get out of here and find a hospital so this thing can be amputated."

"I thought we were going to find a blow torch."

"Hospital _first."_

"Geez, fine. We'll get rid of your sorry limb first."

The three made to leave but Omega paused at the door. He felt as if someone was watching him. He turned around but his scanners detected nothing. He left with a shiver down his steely spine.


	2. Chocolate Crazed

Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic the Hedgehog characters.

Chapter 2: Chocolate Crazed

The office building wasn't what may have been expected from a psychologist's business residence, but then again the psychologist wasn't what may have been expected of a doctor.

The rectangular slab of brick and mortar was in ill repair, with a time worn look that most likely preceded the "incident". Windows were patched up with duct tape, the roof looked capable of caving in and a thick coat of grime covered everything. The decrepit look was in no way helped by the mountainous glob of jelly dripping from the roof. That in itself wasn't strange since half the structures in the city had the same problem. The fact that this jelly had eyes and was staring down at passerby was, however, somewhat creepy.

At the moment, Knuckles was the only one on the street and he glared back at the jelly thing while rubbing his chafed wrists. Six hours with a jack hammer and a chisel had finally released him from his cement prison with only a mild irritation to show for his trouble.

"Eww. When'd they start growing eyes?"

"I guess it was too good to be true," Knuckles sighed.

"What? Non-sentient goo monsters?" The blue hedgehog that had showed up beside him asked.

"No. I was hoping you'd stay gagged."

"Well, sor-ry. Too bad for you, my little bro's a genius. Isn't that right…Tails?"

Sonic was looking behind him at the thin air where a two tailed fox was supposed to be. Knuckles gave him a questioning look.

"He was right behind me," the hedgehog said with a shrug.

"Maybe he got eaten."

Sonic got considerably paler at the thought. It wasn't exactly a rare occurrence anymore.

"I'd better go-,"

"I'm here! I'm here."

The little fox landed on the sidewalk with a plop, panting heavily. He was back to his un-puffed up size and nearly all the socks were gone although a couple seemed to be peeking out from his tails.

"Did we really have to run all the way here?"

Sonic grinned sheepishly while Knuckles rolled his eyes.

"Sorry bud, I'll-,"

"FAKER!"

"Shadow?"

Shadow screeched to a halt in front of the trio, looking more terror stricken than they'd ever seen him. He had Rouge in his arms who looked equally horrified.

"Go inside. Block the door. I'm going back for Omega."

He set Rouge down and ran back the way he'd come. The three looked at the bat blankly.

"Well! What are you waiting for? Hurry up!" She yelled, snapping them out of it. They rushed inside the office building to find themselves in a small lobby with a flea bitten couch as the only furniture. Rouge closed the door and took up a position at the window, watching for the rest of her team. She suddenly opened the door and in dove Shadow and Omega.

"Block it!"

Rouge shut the door and Omega sat in front of it, a one man barricade. Not long after there was a thunk as something heavy slammed into it. The old door creaked ominously but with the robot's extra support it held. There was a collective sigh of relief among the three new arrivals.

"What the heck was that all about?" Knuckles yelled irritably. Wasn't it bad enough they had to go through this farce without bringing a deadly monster into the mix?

"Apparently," Shadow said from where he leaned against the wall, trying not to show how tired he was, "Rouge still smells like chocolate and-,"

"And those wretched little ankle biters won't leave me alone!" Rouge yelled her usual controlled demeanor not at all present.

"Wait a minute. So what's chasing you? Hoygytoygies, Crew Bubbles, Moth Riddles…" Sonic was counting off all the small creatures he knew of that had appeared after the "incident".

"They're children okay," Rouge said, looking a bit embarrassed.

"…Children?"

There was a resounding splat as something flew into the window. All eyes turned to the little boy that was somehow still sticking to the dirty glass. It looked like any cute kid you'd find in a park with curly hair and pinchable cheeks. The only problem was that its pupils were dilated to pinpricks and it was sucking on the glass, mouth wide, like some giant crazed leech. A low shivering sound echoed from its maw.

"_Cho-co-late,"_ it said before sliding off the window, leaving a trail of slobber in its wake.

"…"

"Severely sugar deprived children," Shadow said as he closed the moth eaten curtains, "We've been dodging them since yesterday, trying to get Rouge out of her chocolate column. When we finally did, the column was left behind and they went after it like rabid dogs. We thought that was the end of it, but they must have followed us and you know the rest."

"Geez Rouge, didn't you shower?"

The bat's eyes narrowed and she went right up to Sonic.

"Listen hedgehog, those little feral creatures have the sense of smell of a bloodhound. I took three showers and a bath, trying not to smell like a bad Easter and I am _not_ having a good day."

"Okay, okay, got it," he said with a healthy step backwards.

"Can we _please _just get this over with?" Knuckles asked, clearly annoyed.

"Um, wait a second," Tails was looking around the lobby, "Aren't we missing-,"

"HELP!"

"-Amy."

Everyone just stood there as crashes, cries, and gurgles echoed from outside the door.

"Sonic, shouldn't you go help her?" Tails asked, tugging on his hero's arm.

"…Do I have to?"

"Yes!"

The hedgehog sighed before walking up to Omega."

"Statistical percentage of survival: 1%."

"Thanks Omega. Thank you very much."

Omega stood and opened the door for a fraction of a second which was just enough time for Sonic to sprint into the fray. There were more crashes, cries, and gurgles along with some garbled expletives and then-

"OPEN THE DOOR!"

Omega did so in the same amount of time as before and in rushed Sonic pulling a bedraggled Amy behind him. They were both covered in slobber and Amy had a bite mark at the hem of her dress.

"Animals!" She exclaimed looking at her damp, mutilated dress, "Oh why didn't I wear the hazmat suit."

"Excuse me but what's all the noise about?"

Bill had cracked open the door at the opposite side of the lobby and stuck his head through.

"There's a gang of ravenous children outside attacking anything in sight and Omega can't move because he's blocking the door," Tails explained quickly.

"Oh that again," Bill said, far less surprised than he would have been at any other time. "We have some extra broccoli. You guys can go on in. I'll send back Omega once the children are gone."

"Finally," Knuckles said as he stomped through the door with Bill jumping out of his way.

"Um, just do through the door at the end. Doctor Rutabaga is waiting for you."

The lobby door led into a long hallway with the only remarkable feature being doors down each side and one at the end. The group crowded through the end door and into an office only slightly larger than the lobby. An oversized mahogany desk took up the majority of the space while creaky folding chairs and dying ferns took up the rest. There was also a taxidermy turkey in the corner.

Behind the desk, looking like a child at the grown up's table, was Doctor Rutabaga as bespeckled and orange coated as before. He cleared his throat dramatically.

"Now we shall begin the experiments!"

"…"

"What do you mean experiments?" Several voices yelled at once.

"Ahem, I meant therapy. Yes, you will each be assigned one of my hand picked employees to oversee you're treatment."

"So you won't even do it yourself?" Rouge asked with arms crossed.

"Oh, no no no no no, far too much data for one man to go through. But have no fear. I will be supervising the entire project. Your well-being is in my capable hands."

"Well, isn't that comforting."

"Indeed, indeed. You have been extremely fortunate to fall under the care of such genius. Here is your assigned room numbers."

He handed over a piece of scrunched up stationary with numbers and letters scrawled on it. As the assembled anthros tried to decipher it, Doctor Rutabaga suddenly hopped onto the desk and struck a heroic pose.

"Now, let the exper- I mean therapy begin!"


	3. So Called Therapy

Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic the Hedgehog characters.

Chapter 3: So Called Therapy

**Session One**

"I am _not_ anorexic."

The fat man across from him, Doctor Jenkins, just shook his head sadly.

"I see we're still in a state of denial."

"_We_ are not anything and _I_ don't have an eating disorder."

Sonic sat with arms crossed in a tiny office that could only hold him, his fat opponent, the chairs they sat in, and a desk between them.

"I see more proof is needed to dissuade these destructive thoughts."

"What kind of proof could you have? I _do not _starve myself."

"The facts say differently. You are very undersized for your age. You must have started very early to have inhibited your growth so badly."

Sonic gaped at the man.

"I'm an anthropomorphic hedgehog! I'm supposed to be this size!'

"You also seem to have an unhealthy obsession with exercise." Doctor Jenkins continued, ignoring the last comment.

"I-am-So-nic-the-Hedge-hog," Sonic said slowly as if talking to an idiot, "Run-ning-is-what-I-live-for."

Doctor Jenkins didn't find it very funny.

"Sonic, you can't keep up this denial forever."

"Alright that's it! Wait right there!"

Before the doctor could object, the hedgehog ran out and returned with a plate of chili dogs in one hand.

"See this? Food. And if I have to eat all of it including the plate to convince you that I'm not anorexic, then I will."

"Don't push yourself to-,"

But Sonic was already scarfing down chili dogs like there was no tomorrow. Unfortunately, the speed of ingestion caused to hedgehog to start choking. Jenkins moved to help him but before he could, Sonic hacked up the blockage.

"Ug, agg, um, uh-oh."

The wad of bread and beef that had formerly been stuck in the hedgehog's throat was now pasted to the doctor's forehead. They both watched as it slowly slid down the man's face and fell off the tip of his nose. Calmly Doctor Jenkins sat back down. Ignoring some frenzied apologies from the hedgehog he wrote something on a note and passed it over. Sonic read it.

"Bulimia!"

* * *

"The key to being happy is to think happy! All you have to do is put a great big smile on your face and the world is a better place. Hey that rhymes! Even my words are happy!"

The doctor who sat across from Knuckles was a bean pole of a man with an oddly shaped head and a smile full of tombstone shaped teeth plastered on his face. The moment the echidna had seen him, some primal instinct had shouted at him to run away, but he'd pushed through it and forced himself into the chair. He was regretting the decision.

"What does happiness have to do with anger management? And why do I even need it in the first place!"

"Ah, ah, ah, inside voices please," the man was wagging his finger from side to side. Knuckles contemplated trying to bite it. "As for the first question, when you can see the brighter side to life, all your anger will fall away. It'll be rainbows and butterflies for the rest of time."

"…Have you ever met a boy named Charmy?"

"No, but I'm sure I'd be delighted to. Now, what makes you angry?"

Surprised at the sudden question, Knuckles had to think a moment.

"The Master Emerald getting stolen, the Master Emerald getting broken, thieves, hedgehogs, Eggman, surprises, Tails' techno talk, little bags of peanuts…"

"Peanuts?"

"Do you know how hard it is to open them with these things?"

He held up the mitts he's been ticking off the list with. Weird Smiley Guy just kept smiling, but his eyes crinkled in thought.

"Mm-huh, mm-huh, mm-huh. This Master Emerald, you mentioned it twice. Is it an important possession to you?"

"I'm its Guardian."

"Mm-huh. I think I see the problem. You are far too attached to material objects. Once you realize that they can't replace the fuzzy feelings of love and friendship, then you'll be able to throw away your concerns."

Knuckles just stared.

"Are you nuts? Throw away being a Guardian! What if the Emerald falls into the wrong hands! The last time that happened, a giant water-dragon-god-thing almost wiped out the entire city!"

"…Knuckles have you been sleeping alright? Any weird dreams?"

"There was that one but- Wait a minute! You don't believe me do you?"

"Well, the idea of a giant monster attacking the city is rather odd."

"Odd? ODD? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE LAST WEEK?"

"In my happy place!"

"…I'm leaving."

The echidna put words to motion, hopping out of his seat and opening the door.

"Ah, ah, ah, you can't discontinue therapy until I write you off. Remember the Exemption."

Knuckles gave off a growl that would have done a Saber Backed Soliloquy proud, before reluctantly getting back into his seat.

"I'm so happy you're being reasonable. And guess what?"

Knuckles waited for the man to continue but he didn't. The echidna made an irritated sound in the back of his throat.

"What?" he snarled.

"We're going to learn about the wonderful world of catharsis! Won't that be fun?"

Knuckles tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"What's that?"

"It's a wonderful concept. All about releasing your anger in constructive ways."

"Releasing your anger?"

"Yes! You can do things like drawing pretty pictures, writing in pretty journals, and-,"

He didn't get farther than that when Knuckles put a fist over the desk and with one heavy chop, cleaved the thing in two. The doctor's mouth fell open, although he didn't quite lose his smile. His eye started twitching though. Knuckles on the other hand, smiled for the first time since he'd gotten there.

"I feel better now."

* * *

Tails was fidgeting and his trademark tails were flicking nervously. He'd been sitting there for a while now and the doctor had yet to talk to him. The man was stocky, with a very obvious toupe and kept scribbling something in a notebook.

"Um, sir…" The man kept writing.

"Sir, it's about the document I received. Well, um, it didn't have a specific problem it just…it just had a string of insults. Was it a misprint or…something?"

There was another awkward silence before the man finally put down his pen. He sighed.

"This is going worse than I'd imagined."

"W-what do you-,"

"Miles "Tails" Prower, you have self-esteem issues."

If the kit was confused before, he was completely bewildered now.

"Then why did-,"

"You really are stupid aren't you? It's so obvious."

"What are you talking about?" Tails asked quickly before he was interrupted again.

"I'm talking about you and your pathetic weakness. You have absolutely no self-worth. So that's why I'm going to keep on insulting you until your spine stiffens up and you get some self-respect."

"That doesn't make any-,"

"Excuse me. Who's the one with the PhD here?"

"…You?"

"That's right, me. I know you better than you know yourself and I'm going to shape you up so that you can feel better about yourself. Now stop giving me that deer in the headlights look and straighten up like a man or whatever sorry excuse of existence you are."

Tails was shocked. The doctor spoke with a cold certainty without even bothering to raise his voice. He didn't even seem angry. Tails was smart enough to see that this was just some lousy attempt at therapy. He shouldn't let it get to him, but…

"A screw-up like you thinks he's good enough to be a hero. Don't make me laugh. The world's better off without your sorry hide getting in the way. A stupid kid like you wouldn't even have the brains to know what's going on let alone save anyone. No wonder you have to depend on Sonic so much. It's a wonder he hasn't gotten rid of you already. With that freakish mutation I doubt anyone would really take you in. Anyone dumb enough to do so would regret it the moment they realized what an incompetent little brat you were. You couldn't-,"

The onslaught continued. The kit curled his tails around himself as if they could block out the words. Tails kept feeling smaller and smaller and smaller.

* * *

"Amy you have a problem."

"You bet I have a problem. This was a brand new dress."

Doctor Callahan rubbed his eyes. He didn't look as if he got much sleep with his clothes all disheveled and deep raccoon rings under his eyes.

"I meant your obsession."

"Oh…"she muttered almost inaudibly, "Look, doctor, I like pink A LOT. It's my favorite color. Just because I spray painted my lawn doesn't mean I have a problem."

"No that's not-wait, what did you say?"

"…Nothing."

Callahan gave her a funny look for a moment, before giving up and picking up his notes.

"It says here that you're infatuated with Sonic the Hedgehog, who happens to be one of the other patients."

"We're soul-mates," she said dreamily with hands clasped together.

"It says here that Sonic never returns you're affection."

"Oh, he's just playing hard to get. He knows we're meant for each other and one day he'll admit it."

The doctor nodded as if this confirmed his thoughts.

"Amy, I must warn you that you are showing the first signs of obsessive love. We need to set you straight before you become a stalker."

Amy gave the doctor a pitying look.

"People say that all the time. No one understands romance these days." Callahan had to restrain himself from chuckling. The way she said it made her sound like an old lady.

"All right so what's your definition of romance?"

The pink hedgehog positively beamed. This was one topic she would never get tired of.

"Well, it starts off with that fated encounter. Your eyes meet across the room or you bump into each other at the supermarket. For me it was getting kidnapped by a robotic doppelganger, but it's basically the same thing. He was so heroic when he saved me. I knew he was the one right then and there. I've told him how I feel over and over again, but he just doesn't get it yet. He's starting to though, I can see it. Pretty soon we're going to get married even if I have to knock him out first."

The doctor had started to doze off during the litany but the last part brought him back to wakefulness.

"What did you say?"

"I said even if I have to prove my love to him."

The doctor's eyes narrowed.

"No you didn't. You said-,"

"Doctor what does this have to do with obsession? Can't you see that this is just innocently passionate love?"

"Don't you think you're being a little _too _passionate?"

"Not at all. Sometimes a girl has to be persistent and I know that I'm getting close to my goal. Even fate needs a helping hand. Did I tell you about how fate brought us together? It was magical. Sonic was so heroic. Did I already say that? Well, anyway-,"

Callahan sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. He needed to come up with a strategy and until then he resolved himself to listening to a little girl's delirium.

* * *

The doctor was talking about something but Shadow wasn't listening. Truth be told, he was preoccupied. He'd been able to get his extra arm amputated but there'd been a…complication. Apparently whatever had caused the appendage to grow in the first place had also given it a mind of its own. Once removed, it tried to strangle one of the surgeons. Shadow and a nurse had managed to pry it lose, but before any other action could be taken the arm had escaped. It was an impressive feat for something with no legs.

"Excuse me Shadow, but are you listening?"

"…No…sorry."

"That's quite alright," he said, smiling affably.

"Why am I here anyway? The paper didn't say my diagnosis."

"That's because there is none. You're perfect."

Shadow blinked. Oh all the things he'd expected, flattery was not one of them.

"Yes, you're every bit the Ultimate Life Form you say you are. That includes your brain."

Shadow wondered if the man knew about his bouts of amnesia. Or the mind control and that he'd had an identity crisis multiple times. Shadow would never admit it out loud but he could concede silently that he wasn't always…stable.

"If there's nothing wrong with me then why am I here?"

"Well for starters you had to receive the same sentence as the others since you took a part in the "incident". Also, Doctor Rutabaga would like you're help with some research."

That put Shadow on the alert.

"What kind of help?"

"Oh nothing really. A trivial task for someone with your abilities."

The hedgehog's eyes narrowed into a glare.

"What kind of help?" he repeated.

"It's really a paltry thing." The man said as he rustled through his desk drawer. "There's no reason to worry."

He finally found what he was looking for and pulled it out. It was a long jagged edged saw.

"We just need a look at your brain."


	4. Issues

Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic charaters

Chapter 4: Issues

Sonic was the first to respond to the screams. He sped to the room where it was coming from and found-

"Shadow! What did you do?"

"Nothing he didn't deserve!"

Shadow was standing on the desk with his quills bristled even more than usual. His former therapist was a quivering heap on the floor, sporting multiple broken bones and a bloody nose. Bill, who had been close at hand, was the second person to reach the door and he gaped at the sight of his colleague.

"I-I'll c-call an ambulance." He said before running off.

Sonic glared at Shadow who returned it in kind. They stared each other down for a moment.

"It was self-defense." Shadow said at last.

Sonic arced a brow at the sobbing man before him.

"Do you really think I'd believe that?"

"Believe what you want." Shadow said before jumping down and heading toward the door. Sonic stood in place for a couple seconds, but then stepped aside and allowed his angry counter-part to pass through. With a sigh, Sonic followed him back into the lobby. Everyone else had been waiting for the two hedgehogs to finish. They stood about the room in varying levels of impatience. No one dared sit on the couch. Shadow left immediately with Rouge and Omega following. Rouge, notably had a bag of broccoli with her.

"What happened?" Amy asked.

"I really don't know," Sonic said with a shrug, "Let's just get out of this mad house."

"Fine by me," Knuckles said, although he didn't seem as frustrated as before, maybe because they were finally getting out of this place. He strode through the door with Amy following, babbling on about something or other. Tails, who had been silent the entire time, tried to leave as well, but something blue and spiky stopped him.

"Tails are you okay?"

The kit's eyes drifted to the left as he tried not to make eye contact with his hero.

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. You've been crying."

Tails started at that. How was it that the hedgehog could always tell?

"It's nothing. Really."

Sonic of course didn't believe this. He was staring at the door to the hallway with a look that said there might be another broken body added to the count.

"Okay, there is something wrong," Tails said quickly, "But I can fix it. I just…I just have to think of something."

For a moment the fox thought it hadn't worked, that the hedgehog was going to rush past him and take matters into his own hands.

"Alright Tails if you say you can handle it then you can handle it," Sonic grinned. Tails grinned as well; glad the crisis had been averted.

The door flew open at that point as two men dressed in stark white burst in with the sound of ambulance sirens behind them. They marched past with a giant éclair held between them all the while yelling "Hup hup hup. Hup hup hup."

Sonic and Tails didn't even blink.

* * *

**Session Two**

Rouge was at a loss. She was getting more and more frustrated and it was getting hard not to show it. Her therapist was as unreactive as a rock. In fact if he were in a room full of the most boring rocks in the world they would most likely shun him for being so dull. The man was unremarkable both in looks and personality with a pair of glasses as his only defining feature. Rouge had tried everything from charm to open flirtation, but he hadn't responded to any of it. It seemed that getting the sign off from this guy would be harder than she'd thought.

"Shall we begin," Doctor Jones said.

"Depends on what you want to start." Rouge winked.

The guy didn't even flinch. Granted it was a weak jab but Rouge was at the end of her rope. She had better things to do than get treated for kleptomania. She could be stealing a new set of jewelry right about now.

"As I looked over my notes," Doctor Jones continued, "it came to my attention that you have been misdiagnosed. You do not have kleptomania."

The thieving bat liked the sound of that.

"Does that mean I'm done? I can go?"

"Not quite. Kleptomania implies that you steal without digression. If you had it then it wouldn't matter if it was a thumbtack or a wallet, you would take it on an impulse. That however is not the case. Your taste is more refined."

"Flattery will get you everywhere Doctor."

The man started writing something without even acknowledging the comment. Was he even human? Whatever his problem was it was annoying. Rouge wasn't used to being ignored.

"Now what you have may be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but I'm not sure. I have here something that can test my theory."

All thoughts of failed manipulation fled when the bat saw the necklace. Rouge knew at once that it was a rare and expensive piece, but couldn't quite put a price to the little darling. The chain was black gold and was thicker than usual to support the wait of the three segments that hung from it. The central segment had a line of interconnected, deep blue sapphires that gradually went from smallest to largest with the bottom one being about the width of a golf ball. Around the sapphire line was a silver mesh with small glittering diamonds interspersed throughout it. Two segments that hung to the side to the central had the same design with the only difference being that the sapphires were light blue. Rouge didn't quite start drooling but it was a close thing.

"I believe this gives credence to my theory."

Rouge didn't realize what he meant until she noticed that her hands had unconsciously moved to caress the gems. She snatched them back, but it was too late. The Doctor was writing again and the bat inwardly berated herself for being so careless. Then again, it was a well baited trap. In fact-

"Where'd you get that from?"

"A museum was kind enough to let us borrow it for our purposes." He said quickly, perhaps a little too quickly.

Rouge didn't bother to think about it, entranced as she was by the stunning necklace in front of her.

"Now try to answer honestly. What is it about a jewel that attracts you so much?"

It wasn't the first time someone had asked her that. Why prey exclusively on gems when money could buy the same results? And then there was the inverse. Why stash them away like a magpie when they could be fenced for millions? For Rouge it wasn't the money that cast the allure but the gems themselves along with the trouble of filching them. Why this was so was the harder question and it took a while before Rouge could answer.

"I guess it's because they're mysterious. Why does a mixture of heat and pressure create something so beautiful? How do they catch the light and seem to make it their own? Why are some people willing to kill for them? How come no matter who you are, a gem always manages to catch your eye? I guess I'm attracted to jewels because I don't know why I'm attracted to jewels."

Doctor Jones was writing again but Rouge didn't care. She had all she needed in the shine of a facet.

* * *

"Alright Omega, we're going to do the exposure therapy again."

Doctor Cumming just couldn't understand it. How was it that an entity like Omega could have leporiphobia? It just didn't make sense. Firstly, Omega was a robot and thus should have been immune to irrational fears. Secondly, he was a freaking big robot with who knows how many forms of weaponry. And yet he was scared of a bunny. Usually a patient would be given time to adjust to the idea of exposing themselves to their fear, but Cumming had gone ahead and brought in a real rabbit yesterday. Omega hadn't done anything and Cumming had thought that he'd disproven the ludicrous notion. That was before he ended the session and Omega ran out with more speed than the doctor would have credited to one of his bulk.

"Now I'm going to take the rabbit out again. If at any time you feel uncomfortable, just tell me and I'll put it back in its cage."

The robot didn't say anything which Cumming took for assent. He lifted up the cat cage that had been behind his desk and opened the door. Carefully he lifted out the rabbit inside and set it on the desk. It was as cute as they came, with snow white fur and pink eyes. Omega watched it, perfectly still with his optics trained on the furry creature. Cumming wondered if he was going to have to sit through another session of complete silence.

Then the rabbit moved. It was just a little hop, most likely in the effort to stretch its legs, but the results were…somewhat more eventful.

Omega stood with both arms raised. With a churning of gears, machine guns replaced his hands and his chest plate slid away to reveal multiple missile launchers. As if that weren't enough, a nozzle of sorts appeared at each shoulder and started spurting small gouts of flame.

"EVIL DEMON! UNHOLY SPAWN OF DEATH! DESIST AGGRESSIVE ACTION OR FACE DECIMATION!"

"Omega! Calm down! It's just a bunny!"

Cumming scooped up the bunny and put it behind his back. It probably wasn't the wisest thing to do. Putting the target of a walking arsenal behind you was usually a stupid idea but he felt that getting the rabbit out of the robot's sight he let his arms fall to his sides, although none of his weapons disappeared.

"Doctor?"

"Yes?" Cumming answered nervously.

"I feel uncomfortable."

* * *

"Oh great. What are you doing here?"

Shadow glared at the echidna as he took the seat next to him.

"I was…reassigned."

Given what happened to Shadow's therapist, Doctor Rutabaga had (hopefully) given up the whole cranial dissection idea. However, since the black hedgehog still had to be treated for something they had thrown him into anger management.

"That's super good news. The more the merrier. One plus one always equals fun," the loss of his desk apparently couldn't dampen the Weird Smiley Guy's bubbly good mood for long.

"Today we're going to do Happiness exercises. Yay!"

Failing to get an enthusiastic response, Smiley Guy continued.

"I want both of you to think of the times you've been happiest. Shout them to the world! Your soul will brighten like a thousand rainbow beams!"

"…Is this guy for real?" Shadow asked, wondering if all the humans in this building were in some way disturbed.

Knuckles just shrugged. He didn't know what was wrong with the man. Weird Smiley Guy didn't seem to notice any of this.

"Knuckles, what was the happiest time in your life?"

"It was probably before Eggman showed up, when all I had to do was protect the Master Emerald. Ever since then it's been disaster after disaster and one weirdo after another. Then the "Incident" happened and it was just one big mess and then-,"

"Nope, nope, nope. You've got it all wrong," Smiley Guy interrupted, "I said happiest memory. You're talking about the angry ones which is a no-no. Stop being such a grumpy wumpy pants and perk up."

The echidna glowered as the man turned to Shadow and asked him the same question. The black hedgehog's eyes narrowed.

"I was happiest when I was on the ARK with Maria before a fear ridden military destroyed everything I held dear in a moment of continued human failing that will probably be repeated in the future."

"…That's not very happy either."

This time two sets of eyes glowered at the man.

* * *

"So you think I have Bulimia now?"

"Sonic it is very apparent that you have an eating disorder. That we at first took it to be anorexia was an error on our part and I'm afraid that it may have only strengthened your denial."

"Alright, alright so bulimia. Isn't one of the symptoms bad teeth? My teeth are great. Look." He opened his mouth as wide as he could to show off his pearly whites but the doctor was unmoved.

"That's not the only symptom. There's-,"

"Oh come on doc. You know I don't have it. I'll prove it. I can um…"

He wasn't sure what he could do to change the obstinate man's mind. It was just so obvious! Couldn't he-

"That's it!"

"Sonic, I advise you to please-,"

"Just give me a minute. Can a half starved person do this?"

He started running around the room at speeds that surely no nutrient deprived body could manage. He stopped after a minute, confident that he'd made his point.

"How about that." He said only to find that his therapist had been buried in a pile of broken would after the mini-tornado that had blown threw.

"Oops."

A single hand made its way out of the wreckage, offering up a note. Sonic already knowing what was coming took it.

"Anger management. Oh joy."

* * *

"Psycho!"

"Fool!"

"What kind of person goes on a killing spree over a fifty year old vendetta?"

"I didn't kill any one!"

"You tried to!"

Weird Smiley Guy wasn't sure how it happened but one minute everything was fine and cheery and the next minute his two patients were at each other's throats.

"Now, now. Let's all calm down and have a nice peaceful breath."

"Well what kind of person let's himself get tricked and/or used by every third person he comes across?"

"At least I'm smart enough to remember my own name for more than two seconds!"

"Easy for you to say when you've got those giant can openers in front of your face!"

"Why you-," Knuckles would have continued but then an idea crossed his mind.

"Hey Shadow, I just learned about this thing called catharsis," Knuckles said in a disarmingly level voice.

"What's that?" the hedgehog asked warily, cocking an eyebrow.

"It's all about releasing your anger in _constructive_ ways."

The black and red hedgehog grinned.

"Sounds interesting."

Weird Smiley Guy's eyes widened in alarm, although he still managed to keep his smile.

"No, no, no. No need for that. Catharsis isn't real. It's a psychological myth. Don't-,"

But it was too late. The two patients had jumped to the side and pulled their chairs up to use as makeshift bludgeons. They went at it and the doctor tried to intervene, but one whack to the face and he was down for the count. His last thought was that he couldn't take much more of this.


	5. Murder

Missed my goal of having this done by Halloween but it is almost finished. The only part left is the conclusion which I'll try to have done tomorrow. In other news, did anyone notice that at chapter three Leporiphobia's word count was 6,661. Coincidence?

Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic characters.

Chapter 5: Murder

They probably should have been used to it by now. Given what had happened recently it was by far the least unsettling thing that could have occurred. There was also the incriminating fact that it was Sonic the Hedgehog who had done it. Odd behavior, let alone shocking entrances were a major part of his repertoire. And yet there was just something…random about it. It was in its simplicity, utterly ridiculous.

When Sonic popped up from the sewers hoisting a man-hole cover over his head, even Omega gave him a funny look.

The hedgehog didn't seem to mind the pointed stares he had attracted, instead replacing the cover and walking over to the little group as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Hey guys, what'd I miss?"

"…Um, nothing," Tails was the first to answer, the rest continuing to stare, "The door's still locked."

"Cool. Think maybe they'll forget about us and we can call it a day."

"…Sonic, why did you just crawl out of the sewer?" Tails asked, some part of him needing to know.

"Hmm? Oh, that. Well…" Sonic's mouth was twitching and his eyes were dancing as if he could barely contain himself. "I went, heh heh, well you see, ha, I um, pfft, ha ha ha HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHA."

Sonic was holding his sides and laughing like a lunatic, not so much looking as if he needed therapy but rather a nice long stay in a cozy asylum.

"Did they give you anything faker?" Considering what they'd tried to do to _him, _Shadow didn't find it that outlandish that they may have slipped the hedgehog a less than well tested drug.

"What? No. I-," Sonic stopped to take a few deep breaths and finally regained control of himself. The look on his face suggested he could break into another laughing fit any second though. "I went to see Eggman, figuring he might have something to do with the whole "take this wacky excuse of a psych session or else" deal."

"Why would he be involved?" Tails asked to which Sonic shrugged.

"Beats me, but you can never tell with that guy especially now."

"Anyway," the hedgehog continued, "I ran over to his fortress (which for some reason is now made of cheese) and after some bot smashing, I ran into the head honcho himself. It was going as per usual with Egghead bringing out some old retrofitted destroyer thing and me all ready to cut it to pieces, but then…"

Sonic's brow furrowed in thought.

"_Something _happened and then we were surrounded by, oh what were they called. Quizals? Yeah that's it. Quizals."

"Quizals?"Knuckles asked. It was getting hard to keep track of all the interdimensional and/or alien species running around.

"I think they're a lesser known people from the Cork dimension." Tails said, ever the walking encyclopedia. "What happened next?"

"Oh, Eggman got married."

It was too much for the hedgehog. At the expressions this statement garnered, he couldn't help but (quite literally) fall over laughing gripping his sides as though his lungs were about to pierce their furry boundaries.

"How in the world did that happen!" Knuckles asked, once Sonic had settled down for the second time.

"Beats me." He said, rubbing teary eyes and sounding somewhat out of breath. "Couldn't understand a word they were saying, but I think old Eggy could based on the look on his face when they started talking. There was some type of ceremony, I think I might have even been the priest, and then Fwoosh. They're all gone in some swirly purple light. And that's about it."

"Wait a minute. That still doesn't explain why you had to come through the sewers." The echidna said, falling back on the matter that had caused this whole crazy conversation.

"Oh, right. I don't know why, but for some reason the fortress exploded and great gobs of molten cheese were falling from the sky. I had to escape underground before I became hedgehog fondue."

"Oh."

"…"

"…"

"I wonder if Eggman is on his honeymoon now."

The atmosphere suddenly grew awkward at Rouge's comment, but fortunately (or unfortunately depending on perspective) the door opened before the thought could be pursued and Bill said they could come in.

And thus the third day of rationalized torture began.

* * *

**Session 3**

For Tails, the second session had been nearly the same as the first with a barrage of insults causing the kit to shrink in on himself. However he did as he'd said he would and started thinking of a solution. Or maybe a better term would be he started plotting. Tails chuckled quietly as he entered the little room and the doctor immediately began his routine.

Yes today would be different.

* * *

"You've been cleared. You can go."

Rouge blinked. She'd barely set a foot through the door when the doctor said these words.

"I'm…huh?"

"The therapy was successful. You're done." The doctor repeated.

Rouge knew this was a blatant lie. She was far from "cured" especially since just last night she'd had a run in with a jewelry store and stolen half the merchandise.

She walked up to the desk and stood there as the doctor filled out his notes. She waited until he finally put down his pen and looked at her.

"Is there something I can help you with?" He asked.

"What happened to the necklace?"

"It was returned to the museum. There is no further use for it."

"Then why is it still in your desk?"

The doctor said nothing, which confirmed Rouge's suspicions as she walked around the desk and opened a drawer. Sure enough, resting at the bottom like a butterfly in a cocoon was the wonder of jewel and metal. Rouge closed it with a smirk and walked out the door. Doctor Jones still did nothing. In fact it was probably possible for Rouge to take the necklace and leave without the man so much as twitching. However, for once Rouge felt disinclined to take something that wasn't hers.

Far be it from her to separate a thief from his prize.

* * *

Doctor Callahan fumbled with the door handle as he tried to balance the projector in his other arm. He almost fell when it suddenly opened and he had no support to hold his mismanaged weight. The only thing that saved him was the relief of the projector's bulk as someone pulled it from his grasp. With a couple hurried half steps, the doctor regained his footing and turned to see Amy holding up the projector with a concerned look on her face.

"Are you alright Doctor?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

She smiled and put the projector on the desk. It didn't seem strange until Callahan thought about how he had barely managed to drag the thing up from the basement while this little pink girl handled the weight effortlessly. He almost asked how she'd done it but then thought better of it. Instead he started unrolling the screen he'd brought up earlier and then went to set up the projector while his patient looked on curiously.

"Do you want me to talk about Sonic again Doctor."

Callahan flinched. He'd heard so much about Sonic in the last two days that he'd seen blue hedgehogs running around in his dreams.

"No that won't be necessary. We'll be doing something different today."

Amy tilted her head in confusion as Doctor Callahan took out the first of the slides.

"These will show you what happens when love goes a bit too far."

* * *

"-a pathetic foot stool of a creature-,"

"Doctor-,"

"-who can't even look people in the eye and-,"

"Doctor can you-,"

"-always needs others to say-,"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!"

The doctor, startled at the volume of his patient, looked up in surprise. Contrary to the anger he had expected, Tails looked utterly cheerful if not absolutely beaming.

"Thank you Doctor. You've done a wonderful job."

The doctor arced a brow at the kit.

"But you're not-,"

"Oh but I am," Tails interrupted, getting a guilty satisfaction from doing so, "Your method was perfect and I feel better than I have in a long time. I have more self-esteem and feel confident. I don't know how you did it doctor, but you're a genius."

The doctor nodded as if he agreed entirely.

"I'm glad to see we've made a breakthrough. I suppose I can write you off now."

Tails watched as he scrawled his signature across a document.

"I can take that to Doctor Rutabaga for you." Tails offered.

"Thank you," the doctor said handing it over.

"It's the least I can do after all you've done for me."

"Happy to help," the doctor said absently as he returned to his other papers. Tails was almost out the door when he stopped as if he'd forgotten something.

"Oh, by the way I took the liberty of looking up your past history doctor. You flunked out of college for cheating and only got a diploma by black mailing the dean of a different school. Even when you set up a practice, half the time your patients saw no results and the other half made formal complaints of callous treatment. But you're not really mean spirited are you. You just don't give a damn which is probably why your wife left you for another man."

Tails smile only widened when the doctor's jaw nearly hit the floor and two little veins started pulsing on his forehead.

"Good bye doctor. Have fun in your meaningless excuse of an existence."

* * *

Weird Smiley Guy looked at his three patients as best he could with one swollen eye. None seemed entirely thrilled to be here. Even the blue one seemed irritated which disappointed Smiley Guy. He'd hoped his newest patient would be easier to deal with than his other two but it didn't seem that way.

"Okay today we will work on a different exercise," He said with glee. He was still smiling and as buoyant as usual although the attitude was a bit more…subdued.

"You each will come up with a phrase that you can repeat to yourself when you're angry. Think of something that will prohibit your fury and write it here." He gestured to the chalkboard next to him which he'd brought up from the basement. After the last two sessions it was the only thing left in the room.

"Shadow, you're first, then Knuckles, then Sonic," he said, handing the black hedgehog a piece of chalk.

Shadow walked up to the blackboard and quickly wrote "I will not try to destroy the world again."

"…Again?" Weird Smiley Guy asked, although he clearly didn't want to.

"Where's this guy been for the last couple years?"

"His happy place" Knuckles said before he took his turn at the board.

Shadow glared at what was written but Sonic just grinned at the words

"I will not strangle hedgehogs? Gee, Knux. And here I thought we were bestest buddies."

"Watch it "buddy". This thing hasn't been tested yet."

He threw the chalk and Sonic caught it deftly before speeding through his own statement. There was shock throughout the room as the dust settled and the room's other three occupants were able to read it. They all stared at the blue hedgehog.

"What?" Sonic asked while dusting off his gloves, "You thought I was happy all the time?"

Knuckles and Shadow exchanged a glance, deciding at the same time to keep a closer eye on the not-so-happy hedgehog.

* * *

Omega automatically computed the circumference of the spillage and based on the standard volume was able to come up with the exact measure of the amount. Despite being a robot, even he needed to concede that this cold number did nothing to portray the magnitude of what lay before him. He surmised that an organic's summation of the mess would work better.

There was a lot of blood.

Omega stood silhouetted in the open door, the light of the hallway falling past him and illuminating the grisly scene. Doctor Cumming lay with his eyes wide and unseeing, his face contorted into a visage of pure agony. Omega couldn't identify what wound had killed him as they were too numerous to make an adequate assumption. The body was drenched in its own blood with the puddle pooling around it like some macabre halo. Sitting calmly beside the body, nose twitching in mock innocence, sat the rabbit. Its paws and muzzle were soaked in vivid red, but it didn't seem to mind. In fact it seemed to be reveling in the carnage around it.

Omega watched it in silent horror not sure what to do for once in his artificial life. Then the rabbit went still. In one sudden jerk it looked at the robot.

Omega slammed the door and fled as fast as his thrusters would go.


	6. Demons

I'm glad I got this done even though it feels a bit hurried. Hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Sonic characters.

Chapter 6: Demons

"I still don't see what the big deal is?"

"Faker, since when did you start thinking the casino industry was out to get you." Sonic gave his counterpart a withering stare as if it were so obvious.

"Ever since they started endorsing Eggman's crazy schemes with those killer gambling theme parks he's always building. Those slot machines have to come from somewhere."

"Well what about pigeons? Why in the world do you want them eradicated?" Knuckles asked. His opinion of the blue hedgehog's sanity (while never that high to begin with) was dropping by the second.

"Hey you try getting a little surprise in the face at three hundred miles per hour and see if you're so kind to the little winged rats afterwards. It's happened to me five times Knuckles. Five times. Do you know how hard it is to hit something moving that fast. I swear those things have some kind of homing system."

"Fine," Shadow was pinching the space between his eyes, "You've explained those, but can you please tell me what you have against Switzerland?"

"That's…personal."

Both Knuckles and Shadow looked up in surprise at the hedgehog that suddenly seemed embarrassed.

"Um, I'll be back."

Sonic ran out the door, leaving his fellow patients with more questions than answers.

"You've known him longer. Can you explain it?" Shadow asked.

"The day I understand what goes on in that guy's head is the day I sign up for real psychological therapy."

"Um, is Sonic there?" Said a voice from the hallway's door. It was Amy, poking her head through the space tentatively.

"No," Knuckles replied, giving the pink hedgehog a funny look. Every move she made spoke of nervousness, something not often associated with Amy Rose.

"Oh," she said, finally stepping out into the lobby.

"Are you feeling well?"

"Yeah. Actually I was just released."

"You!" Knuckles and Shadow said at once.

"Well-,"

"It happened again! I'm telling you, they have a grudge against me!"

Sonic had just burst in, rubbing his face with a towel and muttering curses against a certain species of fowl.

Amy's eyes went wide.

"SONIC!" The hedgehog cringed at the sound expecting a hug attack, "I didn't do it! I didn't mean it! I'm sorry! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Amy ran away. For once, _Amy _ran away. It was the most miraculous thing Sonic had ever seen.

"What the heck happened while I was gone!"

"It looks like Amy got cured, just like yours truly and this little guy," Rouge had entered in time to see Amy's flight along with Tails.

"I can believe Tails being here a mistake, but how did you trick your way out of this?" Knuckles asked in irritation. If anyone deserved to be here it was that crazy bat.

"What can I say, I'm more popular than I thought. Now if you excuse me I think I'll treat myself to a little stea- I mean shopping spree."

Rouge winked before leaving in a hurry as if she had a mortal need to lay her hands on something shiny and supposedly beyond her reach. Knuckles shook his head, wondering how anyone could mistake her for being sane.

"Wow. So you got off too. Way to go buddy," Sonic said to Tails. He was proud of the kit and just a bit amazed that he'd been able to escape this mess.

Tails smiled at the praise.

"It wasn't that hard. All I had to do was put some thought into it."

"Well that's all well and good, but what are _we _supposed to do. They still think we're-,"

The echidna was cut short as Omega jumped through the door, and slammed it shut behind him.

"…Omega?" Shadow asked, having never seen the robot look…distressed before.

Omega looked at each of them before striding toward the exit.

"Optimal action: immediate departure."

Shadow hesitated a moment before following the robot. Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles exchanged a glance before doing the same. They all knew that anything that could spook the walking arsenal was something best not encountered.

Once out on the street, Omega turned to address them all.

"Last day: tomorrow. Suggested action: preparation."

That was all he said, leaving the rest to puzzle over what he meant.

* * *

**The Last Day**

The fact that something was wrong was immediately obvious. The first tip-off being that the jelly monster was not there. The only known way to get rid of them was with a vat of peanut butter and since there was no semi there labeled "Jam Relief" it was safe to assume that something other than the monster's natural nemesis had scared it off. The second clue came from a closer inspection of the office building. That there might be a broken window or two wasn't all that strange in this type of neighborhood, but that _all _the windows were broken and their shards scraped out was too much to be coincidence. That these shards were neatly aligned into some unfathomable language on the sidewalk was only stronger proof.

Oh, and everything was glowing.

"Knuckles you go in first."

"What! Why me!" The echidna yelled at the blue hedgehog.

"You're the sturdy one. If something catches you, you'll survive longer until we can come rescue you," Sonic explained with a half-grin while Shadow nodded silently next to him.

"Ha ha. Very funny."

It was actually Omega that went in first, which was lucky since his hide easily deflected the steak knife that was jabbed at him.

"If you value your lives, don't come any further!"

"Isn't that Bill?" Sonic asked as he peeked around the robot. The lanky man was disheveled with his entire form matted in sweat and (more disturbingly) blood. He had a feral look in his eyes, like a creature hunted into a corner that would attack anything that came close.

"Stand back! Stand back!"

"Bill! Hold on a minute! It's us!"

Sonic had hopped up on Omega's shoulder to try to snap the lanky man out of his blood craze. The assistant blinked with bleary eyes and seemed to finally recognize them.

"Y-you. You guys," he didn't relax, but he did lower his steak knife to the side.

"T-they're here. They're after me! They're coming!"

"Who is?" Knuckles yelled from where he was trying to get around the robot's side.

"RUN AWAY! GOTTA RUN AWAY OR DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!" Bill screamed, before jumping out the widow and running down the street with steak knife still in hand and all the while screaming and laughing like the madman he'd become.

The four briefly considered following his advice but another scream cut them off. Omega moved aside while Sonic and Shadow shot forward, the two of them reaching the hallway first. Along the hall lay little blood soaked bodies of indeterminable species and one human body with a toupe laying crookedly on its head. One glance at the man was all they needed to see that he was beyond help and the two went straight for the end office where the scream had originated.

They opened the door…and stared.

Even before the "incident" neither Sonic nor Shadow had led an altogether normal life and they'd seen their share of strange sights. The scene before them left both thunderstruck and unable to move.

Rabbits. Dozens of them. They surrounded the large desk with twitching noses and blood soaked hides. There was a hazy otherworldly aura around the lot of them and each had a pair of glowing red eyes fixed on their next victim. Doctor Rutabaga stood on the fragile safety of his oversized desk, screaming and cringing at the approach of the murderous creatures. Several cuts showed that he'd already had a sample of their abilities and knew just how dangerous they were. He screamed again before he saw them, then he lit up with panicked hope.

"HELP ME!"

At this sound all the rabbits turned to the doorway, their muzzles stilled, and they cast their surreal gaze upon the two hedgehogs who froze at the sight. Two cold metal hands were what moved them from their place as Omega maneuvered into the room and shoved the other two behind him.

"Assistance will be proffered on condition of release."

"YES! I'LL DO ANYTHING! JUST SAVE ME!"

"Affirmative."

Omega stomped into the room and took a defensive stance. The rabbits turned their scarlet stare on him and gave a collective hiss, a sound not dissimilar from wind whipping through a tomb.

"DEMONIC CREATURES OF HELL. PREPARE TO BE EXORCISED."

The creatures hissed again and lunged at him. Omega's shoulder nozzles reappeared, but instead of spewing fire they instead threw out a stream of water that hit the rabbits midair. The demons gave high pitched shrieks at the impact, their pitch cutting into the ears (or auditory sensors) of their supposed victims. Once the water touched them they started to burn and became ashes within seconds. Omega doused the room hitting as many as he could but a few managed to escape through the window. Once the last of them had either been reduced to dust or jumped away, Omega returned his nozzles to their place and lifted the small human off the desk.

"Area secured. Fulfill condition."

"You want released. Ha ha. Well of course I'll write you off. Hehehe. You're all flipping flooding sane! Hahahahah!"

He threw papers up in the air and jumped around, while cackling and yelling "Bunnies! Bunnies! Woo! Woo!" He finally landed a kiss on his taxidermy turkey and ran for the door, the three anthros wisely getting out of his way.

"Omega…how did you do that?" Shadow asked, gesturing to the ash piles.

"Holy water." The robot said simply.

"Can we go home now?" Knuckles asked, more out of tiredness than irritation.

"Affirmative."

They all looked relieved as they walked back down the hall, glad it was finally over. Omega hesitated before doing the same, a chill causing him to turn around. One lone rabbit sat on the sill, having returned to deliver one last message in a low creaky voice.

"_**We…will return."**_


End file.
